Today, I took the familiar 1 train uptown to Lincoln Center. i say familiar because it’s a journey i’ve done numerous times since moving to New York a little under 7 years ago. The first time, if i recall correctly, was to see The Nutcracker, the second, a Puccini opera that was being screened (with subtitles) outside of the Avery Fisher Hall in the summer of 08.
Today was a different reason. It was the open to the public memorial of Lou Reed. Advertised as “no speeches. no live performances, just Lou’s voice, guitar music & songs – playing the recordings selected by his family and friends.”
I first thought that I had gotten the date wrong, until I heard the rumblings of “Pale Blue Eyes.” I followed the sound into the courtyard of the Lincoln Center.
There, amongst the trees, and huge glass windows of Juliard, speakers, blasted out Lou Reed songs, from album to album. I walked through the center.. and felt heavy.
I’ve listened to Lou Reed my entire life. That’s not to say that I’ve been the biggest fan my whole life, in fact, in all honesty I only got “obsessed” and really valued how much his work meant to me around 5 years ago. I ordered a book online containing every lyric he had ever written, I would go sit in Washington Sq park and listen to “Street Hassle” on loop and read the lyrics as if reading a dictionary/fiction/non-fiction all at the same damn time… trying to soak up new vocabulary, new meanings.
I’m very vocal about reasons I live in New York. Reading “Please Kill Me” when I was 13 is at least 75 per cent the reason. As the young lad in Essex England these things casted a huge beautiful shadow/light over me, as i was beaten up, spat on, called a fag etc etc etc or whatever… as i fantasized, and read about circles of inspiring humans. I aspired to be like them.
Phillip Glass in particular, is someone i’ve always looked to, creating his best music the older he gets. These strong minded people, aren’t just people, which is probably, like Lou Reed why they feel eternal… and not pigeon holed into a world where “oh you’re not 18? we won’t listen to your thoughts” (which is strange when you think about it because i’m pretty sure 9 times out of 10 if I had the choice to talk to a teenager about life or a 75 year old ma, i’d choose the elder, although i get it, innocence and lack of structure etc yeah yeah, i get it i get it…) they’re cultural institutions that helped forge strong mentalities I hold true today.
"Why do you make so much music ?!" Well, why not? Absolutely nothing bad can happen in the world from someone trying as many things as they want, and pushing forward in life… living, doing whatever it takes to be happy. Why be sad? No one wants to be sad. I’m not disregarding tragedy, or sadness when I say that, you must understand. I’m just simply stating, i don’t want to be sad. People like Lou Reed kept pushing forward, never stopping, never relenting, putting their happiness, and the happiness of people they love at the forefront, obviously so be it ti the disdain of others, but there are ways around that of course of course of course.
My friend Adam sent me an article a couple of days ago, it stated that the greatest asset that The Beatles had in regards to their success was their arrogance, and that usually.. at age 18 or so, we realize certain things “aren’t possible” and reality sets in, but that never happened to them… they believed they could do anything and everything.
They were right, we all can.
I walked through the Lincoln Center courtyard. I thought about my life, where I’m at today, a couple days after an album, that feels like i’ve worked on my whole life, is released. I’m in New York. i’ve been in New York.. for so long now, yet no time at all. I’m here. Lou Reed is dead. A focal point for the reason i’m even here is dead. People die. A couple weeks back, I found out that somebody I love, so very much, more than anyone could ever know, my entire life, my world. Is seriously unwell. It pains me. I want to fall down, buckle over, every second of the day, with this thought in my mind. It’s felt like i’ve been walking amongst an earthquake ever since, my foundations, which I thought were so solid in life have been disrupted, but this was my mistake, because nothing is ever certain, and that’s why we have to keep going, and do what makes us happy, or at least work towards what makes us happy, no matter how impossible, or hard it may seem. Why do we fall out with people? It’s so silly. I’ve fallen out with people over such stupid things in life. I’m sure we all have. Does it matter? Really, think long and hard. Does it matter!? It’s silly. Solange, I love you. you’re a talented beautiful soul and meeting you has changed my life. Sky, i’ve known you for so long. I have no ill feelings for you, I only wish you well, and hope you find happiness and don’t rely or worry about what people think of you, because no matter what we do in this world, someone somewhere is going to knock you down and have a rebuttal. But that’s life, we make ourselves happy and those around us.
I burst into tears. I walk towards the corner of the Public library and look off at the trees. I cry for 30 minutes straight. I think about Lou, I think about the person I love, I think about everything i’ve gone through to get to where I am today, I think about time, time time time. what a crazy thing time is. Our biggest asset, out worst enemy. i don’t want to waste anymore time. It’s time for me to leave. i see Phillip Glass arrive, with a tear in his eye. Time is the strangest thing i’ve ever known. wtf. I walk to the 1 train, and go back downtown.