I love Cupid Deluxe, and I took some time to explain why for BuzzFeed. In short: this album is like a shining example of respectful interaction with queer culture, from its lyrics to its structure to its sound to its videos. Great record, and between P4kblurbs and this essay I was happy to spend a lot of time writing about Blood Orange this year.
Some very nice words, thank you for understanding.
The last two days have been strange, before I get into that. I want to start off by saying how truly thankful I am, for my life, for my friends and family, and for the support of everyone out there. The response which I’ve only just been able to look at has been extremely overwhelming. Samantha’s mother Robin started that fundraiser which was so nice of her and I had no idea of what was going on, it’s incredible. I’m so grateful to her, and to all of you. It’s beautiful, touching and extremely warming in these winter nights. Every email, tweet and message means more than I could ever say. Thank you.
I should explain first of all, exactly what has happened, in terms that maybe will make people understand. Imagine being outside of your home one day. Then somebody presses delete, on the last decade of your life. You own nothing except for what you have on you in that precise moment. This is what has happened. It’s surreal and hard to wrap your head around, or imagine unless you’ve experienced it. The strangest part yet, Samantha & I were at a memorial when I found out.
It’s more than music. As I’ve seen many people talk about, or people on the street. It’s my life. It’s everything I’ve ever owned….loved… It’s all gone, forever. I miss you Cupid.
This happens to so many people, people that don’t have a girlfriend’s place they can stay at. People who don’t have a job they can do to try and help themselves money wise to attempt to get back on their feet. This is in my mind every second.
I truly have lost everything I own, hard to wrap your head around, but I have. Friends of mine have been more than kind to me, friends some people may not have, families in the same position would not be as fortunate… i’m aware of this.
If I am honest, the fundraiser makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. This isn’t me saying I don’t need the money, to reiterate, i have lost everything. But maybe it’s time I down some anxiety medication see a doctor and try and play some shows y’know? There are things i can do, although it will take years, that can help myself rebuild, a huge part of me is still struggling with understanding the events of two nights ago, and where to take my life from here.
This isn’t me being unappreciative. Tears stream down my face when Samantha shows me the nice messages people have written. It’s overwhelming in the most extremely nicest way that people would care about this But as I stated before, so many people have nothing they can do to rebuild their life from scratch.
I have a lot to think about, I don’t even know where to start from, I just wanted to be honest.
I want to give all the money to charity, 3 charities to be precise which I will explain further at a future point, that’s how I feel, i’m being spoken to by people who are close and understand my situation and are trying to advise me. As I probably am still in shock, and may not have a choice but to accept some of the money, and then think about charities, I don’t know… I don’t know where my head is at right now…
But I had to say something.
Today I will sit down and work out how to play this, I can’t write down my thanks, to everyone, the internet doesn’t hold true enough the amount of love and warmth i’ve felt, it means the world to me.
While I am working everything out, please feel free to email me if you have donated and have any concerns, or would rather your money go to charity, or not. I want to hear people’s thoughts. I’m not trying to make a news story, this is just my life, and I want to be genuine with the people that have been more than genuine with me.
There are literally 7 versions of this song. This is 1 of roughly a million cuts that didn’t make it onto the album “Cupid Deluxe”. Additional vocals by Samantha Urbani Instrumentation and Production by me. Mixed by Blue.
Note : percussion borrows heavily from “Ruins" xxx
Doris Lessing's Nobel Prize speech in 2007 - "On not winning the Nobel Prize."
I am standing in a doorway looking through clouds of blowing dust to where I am told there is still uncut forest. Yesterday I drove through miles of stumps, and charred remains of fires where, in ‘56, there was the most wonderful forest I have ever seen, all now destroyed. People have to eat. They have to get fuel for fires.
This is north-west Zimbabwe in the early eighties, and I am visiting a friend who was a teacher in a school in London. He is here “to help Africa,” as we put it. He is a gently idealistic soul and what he found in this school shocked him into a depression, from which it was hard to recover. This school is like every other built after Independence. It consists of four large brick rooms side by side, put straight into the dust, one two three four, with a half room at one end, which is the library. In these classrooms are blackboards, but my friend keeps the chalks in his pocket, as otherwise they would be stolen. There is no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books, or biros. In the library there are no books of the kind the pupils would like to read, but only tomes from American universities, hard even to lift, rejects from white libraries, or novels with titles like Weekend in Paris and Felicity Finds Love.
There is a goat trying to find sustenance in some aged grass. The headmaster has embezzled the school funds and is suspended, arousing the question familiar to all of us but usually in more august contexts: How is it these people behave like this when they must know everyone is watching them?
My friend doesn’t have any money because everyone, pupils and teachers, borrow from him when he is paid and will probably never pay him back. The pupils range from six to twenty-six, because some who did not get schooling as children are here to make it up. Some pupils walk many miles every morning, rain or shine and across rivers. They cannot do homework because there is no electricity in the villages, and you can’t study easily by the light of a burning log. The girls have to fetch water and cook before they set off for school and when they get back.
As I sit with my friend in his room, people drop in shyly, and everyone begs for books. “Please send us books when you get back to London,” one man says. “They taught us to read but we have no books.” Everybody I met, everyone, begged for books.
Today, I took the familiar 1 train uptown to Lincoln Center. i say familiar because it’s a journey i’ve done numerous times since moving to New York a little under 7 years ago. The first time, if i recall correctly, was to see The Nutcracker, the second, a Puccini opera that was being screened (with subtitles) outside of the Avery Fisher Hall in the summer of 08.
Today was a different reason. It was the open to the public memorial of Lou Reed. Advertised as “no speeches. no live performances, just Lou’s voice, guitar music & songs – playing the recordings selected by his family and friends.”
I first thought that I had gotten the date wrong, until I heard the rumblings of “Pale Blue Eyes.” I followed the sound into the courtyard of the Lincoln Center.
There, amongst the trees, and huge glass windows of Juliard, speakers, blasted out Lou Reed songs, from album to album. I walked through the center.. and felt heavy.
I’ve listened to Lou Reed my entire life. That’s not to say that I’ve been the biggest fan my whole life, in fact, in all honesty I only got “obsessed” and really valued how much his work meant to me around 5 years ago. I ordered a book online containing every lyric he had ever written, I would go sit in Washington Sq park and listen to “Street Hassle” on loop and read the lyrics as if reading a dictionary/fiction/non-fiction all at the same damn time… trying to soak up new vocabulary, new meanings.
I’m very vocal about reasons I live in New York. Reading “Please Kill Me” when I was 13 is at least 75 per cent the reason. As the young lad in Essex England these things casted a huge beautiful shadow/light over me, as i was beaten up, spat on, called a fag etc etc etc or whatever… as i fantasized, and read about circles of inspiring humans. I aspired to be like them.
Phillip Glass in particular, is someone i’ve always looked to, creating his best music the older he gets. These strong minded people, aren’t just people, which is probably, like Lou Reed why they feel eternal… and not pigeon holed into a world where “oh you’re not 18? we won’t listen to your thoughts” (which is strange when you think about it because i’m pretty sure 9 times out of 10 if I had the choice to talk to a teenager about life or a 75 year old ma, i’d choose the elder, although i get it, innocence and lack of structure etc yeah yeah, i get it i get it…) they’re cultural institutions that helped forge strong mentalities I hold true today.
"Why do you make so much music ?!" Well, why not? Absolutely nothing bad can happen in the world from someone trying as many things as they want, and pushing forward in life… living, doing whatever it takes to be happy. Why be sad? No one wants to be sad. I’m not disregarding tragedy, or sadness when I say that, you must understand. I’m just simply stating, i don’t want to be sad. People like Lou Reed kept pushing forward, never stopping, never relenting, putting their happiness, and the happiness of people they love at the forefront, obviously so be it ti the disdain of others, but there are ways around that of course of course of course.
My friend Adam sent me an article a couple of days ago, it stated that the greatest asset that The Beatles had in regards to their success was their arrogance, and that usually.. at age 18 or so, we realize certain things “aren’t possible” and reality sets in, but that never happened to them… they believed they could do anything and everything.
They were right, we all can.
I walked through the Lincoln Center courtyard. I thought about my life, where I’m at today, a couple days after an album, that feels like i’ve worked on my whole life, is released. I’m in New York. i’ve been in New York.. for so long now, yet no time at all. I’m here. Lou Reed is dead. A focal point for the reason i’m even here is dead. People die. A couple weeks back, I found out that somebody I love, so very much, more than anyone could ever know, my entire life, my world. Is seriously unwell. It pains me. I want to fall down, buckle over, every second of the day, with this thought in my mind. It’s felt like i’ve been walking amongst an earthquake ever since, my foundations, which I thought were so solid in life have been disrupted, but this was my mistake, because nothing is ever certain, and that’s why we have to keep going, and do what makes us happy, or at least work towards what makes us happy, no matter how impossible, or hard it may seem. Why do we fall out with people? It’s so silly. I’ve fallen out with people over such stupid things in life. I’m sure we all have. Does it matter? Really, think long and hard. Does it matter!? It’s silly. Solange, I love you. you’re a talented beautiful soul and meeting you has changed my life. Sky, i’ve known you for so long. I have no ill feelings for you, I only wish you well, and hope you find happiness and don’t rely or worry about what people think of you, because no matter what we do in this world, someone somewhere is going to knock you down and have a rebuttal. But that’s life, we make ourselves happy and those around us.
I burst into tears. I walk towards the corner of the Public library and look off at the trees. I cry for 30 minutes straight. I think about Lou, I think about the person I love, I think about everything i’ve gone through to get to where I am today, I think about time, time time time. what a crazy thing time is. Our biggest asset, out worst enemy. i don’t want to waste anymore time. It’s time for me to leave. i see Phillip Glass arrive, with a tear in his eye. Time is the strangest thing i’ve ever known. wtf. I walk to the 1 train, and go back downtown.
“It’s not necessarily about nostalgia, I just do things that work best – it could be a synth sound from k-pop or a digital film technology - if digital looked better than film then I’d use it. On the last record people would say that it sounds like the 1980s, when in fact it just sounds like a recording studio. That’s what a recording studio sounds like! It’s a luxury and its probably not even a luxury I’ll have this time when making the record, but it’s an amazing thing to do once in your life, especially at a a point when it’s becoming more and more unlikely that you could do that. I mean, at some point it’s gonna stop, and there’ll be no more music being made in recording studios.”— From the DazedDigital interview with Adam Bainbridge (Kindness) when the interviewer said.. “Your last album referenced the 80s and a lot was written about your obsession with more traditional forms rather than digital, do you have a retro nostalgia?”
DazedDigital decided to dedicate a day of content to me for the release of my new album Cupid Deluxe! Keep going to their site for interviews with myself, Collaborators Caroline Polachek, Adam Bainbridge & more to come.